


Dwim's Spoofy Carols

by Dwimordene



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Fellowship of the Ring, Humor, War of the Ring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-26
Updated: 2002-12-09
Packaged: 2018-04-06 08:26:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4214926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dwimordene/pseuds/Dwimordene
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To the tune of "O Tannenbaum," I give you the rise and fall of Saruman, joined now by "The Little Ringbearer." Third carol: "Balrogs We Have Seen Draw Nigh." And the latest travesty, "I'm gettin' nuzgul for Christmas": a metafilk. Clearly an entry into the LOTR Holiday Carols Challenge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. O Saruman, O Saruman

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the HASA Transition Team: This story was originally archived at [HASA](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Henneth_Ann%C3%BBn_Story_Archive), which closed in February 2015. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in February 2015. We posted announcements about the move, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact The HASA Transition Team using the e-mail address on the [HASA collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hasa/profile).

O Saruman, O Saruman,

How constant is your treachery:

You plot not just in summertime,

Nor but in winter's darkest nights.

O Saruman, O Saruman,

How constant is your treachery!

 

 

O Saruman, O Saruman,

Your traitor's days are numbered:

Your Uruk-hai are now no more;

The Ents are marching to your door.

O Saruman O Saruman,

Your traitor's days are numbered!

 

 

O Saruman, O Saruman,

The mighty have far fallen:

There is but one Lord of the Rings

You broke with White for idle dreams.

O Saruman, O Saruman,

The mighty have far fallen!


	2. The Little Ringbearer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "O Tannenbaum," I give you the rise and fall of Saruman, joined now by "The Little Ringbearer." Third carol: "Balrogs We Have Seen Draw Nigh." And the latest travesty, "I'm gettin' nuzgul for Christmas": a metafilk. Clearly an entry into the LOTR Holiday Carols Challenge.

To the tune of "The Little Drummer Boy."

******

 

 

Come, they told me  
pa rum pa pum pum  
The Dark Lord's Ring to bring  
pa rum pa pum pum  
To Elrond's safe-keeping  
pa rum pa pum pum  
In comp'ny of a king  
pa rum pa pum pum, rum pa pum pum, rum pa pum pum  
So to Imladris  
pa rum pa pum pum  
Here we come.

Lords and Ladies  
pa rum pa pum pum  
I do not know the way  
pa rum pa pum pum  
To find Orodruin  
pa rum pa pum pum  
To Mordor with the Ring  
pa rum pa pum pum, rum pa pum pum, rum pa pum pum  
But I shall find a way  
pa rum pa pum pum  
Here we come.

Elrond nodded,  
pa rum pa pum pum  
The Elf and Dwarf agreed  
pa rum pa pum pum  
And Strider's pledged to me  
pa rum pa pum pum  
Samwise won't part with me  
pa rum pa pum pum, rum pa pum pum, rum pa pum pum  
Pip, and Mer and me  
pa rum pa pum pum  
Here we come.

Nine we were that night  
pa rum pa pum pum  
Leaving Rivendell  
pa rum pa pum pum  
To Mordor with the Ring  
pa rum pa pum pum  
Into the fire I'll fling  
pa rum pa pum pum, rum pa pum pum, rum pa pum pum  
The Ring if I can  
pa rum pa pum pum  
Here we come.


	3. Balrogs We have Seen Draw Nigh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "O Tannenbaum," I give you the rise and fall of Saruman, joined now by "The Little Ringbearer." Third carol: "Balrogs We Have Seen Draw Nigh." And the latest travesty, "I'm gettin' nuzgul for Christmas": a metafilk. Clearly an entry into the LOTR Holiday Carols Challenge.

I was going to go to bed early. Damn nuzgul! To the tune of "Angels We Have Heard On High," I give you "Run, Fellowship, Run!" aka "Balrogs We Have Seen Draw Nigh."

*********

Drumbeats we have heard hard by  
Raggedly the time keeping  
And the orc horde in reply  
Cacophanously shrieking:  
Mor-oooo-or-oooo-or-oooo-or-ia! After our blood lusting.  
Mor-oooo-or-oooo-or-oooo-or-ia! After our blood lusting.

To the Bridge of Khazad-dûm  
Down the darkened stair leaping  
O'er the narrow span of stone  
Swiftly the Balrog fleeing:  
Mor-oooo-or-oooo-or-oooo-or-ia! Ai! A Balrog is come!  
Mor-oooo-or-oooo-or-oooo-or-ia! Ai! A Balrog is come!

Shadow and flame towr'ing tall  
Weary pilgrim grey and worn  
Balrog from the bridge did fall  
Gandalf in the pit was borne  
Mor-oooo-or-oooo-or-oooo-or-ia! Why did we go in there?  
Mor-oooo-or-oooo-or-oooo-or-ia! Why did we go in there?

To the Gates and Dimrill stair  
Never time to cease from war  
But a few halls to traverse  
Escape: so close and yet so far!  
Mor-oooo-or-oooo-or-ooooor-ia! Fate must have been mocking us.  
Mor-oooo-or-oooo-or-ooooor-ia! Fate must have been mocking us.  



	4. I'm gettin' nuzgul for Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the tune of "O Tannenbaum," I give you the rise and fall of Saruman, joined now by "The Little Ringbearer." Third carol: "Balrogs We Have Seen Draw Nigh." And the latest travesty, "I'm gettin' nuzgul for Christmas": a metafilk. Clearly an entry into the LOTR Holiday Carols Challenge.

Andria! Look what you **did** to me! (Tune available [here](http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Meadows/3389/dogsongs.htm).)  
********

I'm gettin' nuzgul for Christmas,  
Undead plotbunnies that bite.  
I'm gettin' nuzgul for Christmas,  
Cuz I don't do nuttin' but write!

I left two Elves in dire straits  
Plotbunny nipped at me  
Dropped Celeborn at Moria's gates  
Plotbunny nipped at me  
I wrote a scene that Elrond rues,  
Gave poor Haldir hair-style blues,  
Filled Arda with Mary Sues  
Plotbunnies nipped at me.

Oh I'm gettin' nuzgul for Christmas,  
Undead plotbunnies that bite.  
I'm gettin' nuzgul for Christmas,  
Cuz I don't do nuttin' but write!

I sent Arwen off to Helm's Deep  
Plotbunny nipped at me  
Broke Gimli's heart and made him weep  
Plotbunny nipped at me  
I made two brothers fall in love,  
Killed Legolas just because  
His hair's better than mine was  
Plotbunnies nipped at me.

Oh I'm gettin' nuzgul for Christmas,  
Undead plotbunnies that bite.  
I'm gettin' nuzgul for Christmas,  
Cuz I don't do nuttin' but write!

Now Denethor claims there are laws  
Plotbunny nipped at me  
I can't leave my room now because  
Plotbunny nipped at me  
Aragorn swears it's not true:  
He loves Arwen through and through;  
Don't pair him with Marty Stu!  
Plotbunny nipped at me.

Oh I'm gettin' nuzgul for Christmas,  
Undead plotbunnies that bite.  
I'm gettin' nuzgul for Christmas,  
Cuz I don't do nuttin' but write!

So you better watch out, whatever you do,  
Cuz touch that pen and I'm telling you:  
you'll get nuzgul for Christmas!  



End file.
